and my first official personal blog. The last time I had a consistent blog was back in the days of xanga. Oh the days of middle school and early high school. So emo I was. But I miss writing out my stories through the written word. I was also partly inspired by Larry's blog, which is so insightful and funny, and sheds light on things that I have thought of but had never put into words. It still amazes me sometimes how mere letters can be arranged together to create meaning, a symphony of words that can move a person to laughter, to tears, to anger. When I'm talking I don't mule over my word choice, and I so often fail to be witty because I don't think fast enough to do that while I'm orally telling a story. And those of you who know me know that my jokes fall flat (har har) so often, and I just end up laughing at myself, which is okay too I guess. So hopefully in this blog I can carefully lay down my words, like a map, so that it points to one thing, Christ. I really hope that everything I write in here will somehow, even if seemingly unrelated, lead back to God.
Around a week ago I was changing and my cross necklace happened to get caught on my shirt as I was taking the shirt off, twisted at a funny angle, and jammed directly up my nose. And I got a nose bleed. Go figure. I felt so silly. Who manages to stick their cross necklace up their nose so deep that they get a nose bleed? I guess me. But this little embarrassing incident got me to thinking about Jesus' blood shed on the cross. The Bible says he sweat blood. For blood to drip like sweat...that is excruciating. I claim that the cross changed my life, that Jesus' death and ressurrection changes everything. But I don't live that way. Instead of loving other people, as Jesus called us to do, I'm scared of them. Sounds stupid right? But really. I'm scared to care, scared of what they think, sometimes even scared of saying "hi, how are you?" and not really meaning it. And every time I say hi, how are you, but don't really care all that much about how they're doing, I kick myself in the gut. I wish more people cared. I wish I cared more. But I know because I'm a human being full of selfishness and pride, I can't change myself. Only God can do that. And because I have been so lackluster in my love for other people...it can only lead me to conclude one thing: I do not know God well enough. For if I did, it would be totally different. God is love. And to know God is to know love, and therefore to BE love. I think I have seen glimpses of change, but without continual food (the Bible) there is no chance for growth. Gotta work on that. It makes me so sad that Jesus died on the cross for me, hung there for the world to see and spit on and look eye level with. Yet I still continue to live such a selfish, unloving life. There has got to be more than this.
-Tiffany
ps: I have decided that I need to start taking my own pictures. I'll try to put some up every week. The beautiful awakening of spring has stirred something in me to capture all this beauty. What a marvelous earth.
